First Aid Kit: Bandage
by tihku
Summary: A silly sibling story to First Aid Kit: Syringe. Joker wakes up, only to find himself in the Batcave.


_**Author's note: **__This is a sibling story to __**First Aid Kit: Syringe**__. This is much longer and sillier than the other one, though._

_I'd like to thank __**lovejoker **__and __**esperanzab93 **__for comments! Also, thanks for everyone that even glances at these fics. You are all appreciated!_

* * *

**Bandage**

You know that there is a secret route to reality in your pineal gland, and it sucks you in every time you fall asleep. Some of your doctors ask what it is that you see – what reality _really _looks like – and you answer almost triumphantly: _nothing_.

Ah, their faces when you say it! They just _kill _you. They really do. The doctors and the like never believe you to begin with, though. They consider you _insane_. You don't expect any less or more of them. They are just figures in a dream, after all: empty shells without a soul, a mind, an actual personality. It's funny to horse around them, nonetheless.

You find it intriguing that no-one ever questions where all these people come from. You kill a handful of them, and like a momentarily gap in the water, someone comes to fill their place. Your job is fruitless, but so is everything else. At least you love what you do.

Anyway, you are visiting _reality _once again. It's a boring place, really – you can't do _anything_ over there. There's no TV, no Twitter, no lambada, no _you_. You don't simply exist in there. However, it does things to you, just like a surgeon does to a knocked out patient. You go in there, and you'll never come back 100% same. _Of course_, there's always a possibility you don't return. You might die. You could also turn into a vegetable. It doesn't concern you much.

In any case, this is not one of those times.

Gradually, you start feeling fingers pressed on the right side of your throat. As much as you like _necking _and the like, it's not particularly kind to just go on and fumble unconscious madmen. At the precise moment you open your eyes, you grab the other person's arm and pull so that they almost fall on you.

"_Calm down!_" a familiar voice screeches.

"_Frickin calm __**down**_!"

A smile draws onto your face.

"Batsy? Really? I would've never thought that being an _alarm clock_ is your another job. You know, those things annoy me _helluva_ lot. Makes me want to _break _things..." you let go of his arm. "Of course, you are _almost _an exception. I should probably give you a hint, though... I know that you clearly are not the most talkative type, but just _beep _the next time, okay?"

You start lifting yourself up, but your body says otherwise. A grimace plays on your lips for a moment.

"Oh wow. Wow", you gasp and burst into giggles. "Well, this is a normal day for me."

"Don't move. You were shot _five _times", Batman murmurs, takes a hold of your shoulder and pushes you back down. He makes it look too easy, pushing you around. You don't mind.

"Are you serious? _Lemme see..._" you rise the blanket on your body. There are bandages covering your whole chest and stomach area. "What? Are you trying to _mummify_ me or something?"

He observes you silently. He does that a lot. You decide to do some investigating yourself, too, and look around you.

The first thing that captures your eye is a ridiculously huge coin countless meters away.

"Tell me..." you almost whisper in awe.

_A statue of a Tyrannosaurus Rex._

"... this is..."

_Fancy suits. A __**rainbow**__ Batman suit._

"... _an amusement park_ and _not_ the Batcave everyone keeps fussing about. Wait _wait_, what is _that_?"

Your card is on the wall. You stare at it, and for a moment, you are at a loss of words.

"... You sure know how to make a full grown, mass murdering clown cry, don't cha? This all is so _laughable_ that it's damn _close_ to being _perfect_!"

You turn vividly to face Batman's static figure.

"As much as I appreciate this experience... Why did you bring me here?"

"_Deadshot_ is after you. This is the only place in which I can guarantee your safety."

"_Head sock? _I should send him a _thank-you ... __**bullet **_straight to his brain", you laugh and point your index finger to your temple. "But seriously. You should worry about _his _wellbeing more than mine."

Batman glares at you.

"He is a hired assassin. An expensive one. Someone has paid a great sum for your head."

"_Ooooh_, I get it. You want to know whether I've angered some rich snob these past few days..." you stroke your chin in a pondering manner. "Uh, actually, I think there's quite a plenty of them. I crashed a charity gala the other day, and there were all these smarty pants going all around – uh, your favorite playboy _Bruce Wayne _for example. I ate a beef from his plate. _Naturally, _Idid a lot of other things, too. It's a pity you couldn't come. I assume you have seen the paper, so I don't need to explain everything to you. Does that info help?"

"... It happened a week ago", Batman states indifferently. Your mouth drops open.

"A **week **ago? Have I slept that _**long**_?" you yell and lift your upper body, only to remember that the move is a bad choice. You lie down again.

"... That is not the only issue", he continues the earlier topic and crosses his arms. "Deadshot is a highly skilled killer. There must be a reason he didn't finish you off instantly."

"Perhaps he isn't that good. Perhaps I'm lucky. Perhaps I'm a ninja, " you reply. Jealousy darkens your mind. Batman shouldn't be praising some dull bromide like that. "You figure it out. You are the world's greatest detective, aren't you?"

Batman frowns at you. In one swift movement, he turns around and vanishes into darkness. Before he is completely gone, you hear his tense voice one more time:

"Use the bell if you need any help."

You look at your right, and indeed, there is a small, silver bell. So _old-fashioned_! The sight brings the happy glee back into your eyes. What would happen if you pulled the small string underneath the bell? You can't handle the excitement! You bring your hand close to the string, only to back off. The sober-side in you tells to wait a bit. But the tension... It's overwhelming! The last time you felt such a buzz was when you pushed a destruction button – which was... Approximately a week ago?

You roll your eyes. _Ah, what the heck_. You grip the string and pull.

The bell clangs softly. Nothing extravagant happens. It's all silent. You try to pull the string one more time. When you are starting to run out of patience, you hear someone say:

"How – may – I – help – you?"

You stare, completely astounded, at a human-sized pink rabbit that has a dark blue jumpsuit on. It bows its head gracefully just like a normal butler would. You rub your eyes. You look again. It's still there, staring at you. It has a white cloth, adjusted to hang from its left arm.

A bunny.

A _pink _bunny.

You crack up.

"You are kidding me – right?" you shout at the darkness in the cave.

"Master – is – not – present. – Would – you – like – to –leave – a – message, – Joker – sir?" the bunny servant asks, and you can't handle yourself. You laugh even though your insides are burning from all the trembling.

"_Uh_–hah–ha– _hee_. Haa. No, I'll talk to him later on myself. Uh, turn around, now would you? I'd like to have a better look at you."

The bunny does as asked. Your cheeks are round from all the air you are trying to keep in.

"Is – there – something – else – on – your – mind, – mister – Joker?"

"Uh, yeah." you giggle. "I'd like... to have some tea? Some of those that have silly fortune slips attached to them, you know?"

It doesn't take long for the rabbit to bring you a cup of steaming water and a bag of tea. You rip the tea package open while the bunny watches nearby.

"Let's see. The fortune today..." you say and squint your eyes. "_There is a high chance that someone near you is pretending to be something they are not._"

You give the bunny a malicious glance. The rabbit stiffens slightly.

"Hee, what could that mean? Whaddya think?"

"I – have – to – go. – Urgent – matters", the bunny says and walks away. Your laughter fills the air. When you calm down, you remember the hot cup of tea. You pout. You don't really like tea. It's all bitter, and you've always fancied sugary things – fruit and berry juices and such.

You pour the tea onto the floor next to your bed and crush the cup into small shards. You take one long splinter and start picking up the locks that keep you tied to the bed.

"Bats underestimates me. I'd better remind him who he is dealing with. _Hee_", you mutter to yourself as you leave your cocoon of boredom. It's not an easy task as you already had trouble just sitting up earlier, but you are persistent as ever. You take support from objects around you, and finally, you are able to get on your feet.

You take a few steps, but something pulls your hand backwards.

You laugh as you remember the IV line attached to your hand. A blood bag stand is on the other side of the bed, and it has rolled after you until it got stuck. It seems steady enough to lean oneself on to...

And so, you proceed exploring the cave, using the stand as support. There should be an exit somewhere. If you were sane, you'd dismiss everything else and focus on finding it – but that wouldn't be funny at all! You don't need to hurry. Batman won't probably come back quite soon, anyway.

Thus, you take a good time admiring his collection of different Batarangs, which, unfortunately, are too high for you to reach. You sneer at the first Robin's suit. You take statues of Two-Face and Riddler and put them into an awkward position. You laugh at your setting and regret that you don't have your iPhone with you... In fact, you laugh so much that you fall on the ground, and the blood bag stand crashes on you.

It hurts like hell, but you can't control your gale.

As you lie on the ground, you notice something next to you. A... cupcake? It's covered in bright violet icing. You reach for it and take a bite.

It's...

... _delicious_.

You chomp the whole lot of it in the next bite. You look further. There's even more! A trail of differently colored cupcakes, for _chrissakes_! It is pretty obvious that it might be a trap, but you don't care. You detach yourself from the IV line and start crawling towards the sweet, divine things. You devour them as you proceed, until you find yourself next to a huge computer screen.

There is a flashing message on it.

_**Pac-Man**_

_**Highest Score: 3 333 300**_

_Player: Batman_

_**2. place: 1 230 020**_

_Player: Nightwing_

_..._

You stare in awe. This is new to you. A _Batman_, playing _Pac-Man_ on a _huge-ass_ screen in a _dark cave_? Oh, God. You are losing it. You really are.

Before you even know it, you have this sudden urge to break his record. Serves him right for drooling after that frumpy dullard.

You climb onto the enormous chair and start typing commands. The game starts. You notice that Batman or someone else has done modifications to the game – Pac-Man has Batman's mask and all the ghosts are replaced with different villains. You lose the first game almost instantly, as your vision is blurred with gleeful tears.

**Game over**

**Your score: 5**

The second time, you fail miserably even though you manage to remain calm. Two-Face has you cornered, and he flips a coin. It isn't favorable for you. Two-face's ghost shoots you.

**Game over**

**Your score: 200**

"_Aw, c'mon!_" you yell.

You don't triumph on the next play through, either. This time, Catwoman claws you into tiny pixel bits.

**Game over**

**Your score: 1400**

"_You vixen! _Oh wait, you are not even a fox..."

...

Penguin stabs you with a poison umbrella.

**Game over**

**Your score: 3250**

"Argh! We have things to settle later on, mister _Wobblepot_!"

...

Everything goes rather well, until Riddler comes along and messes the whole labyrinth up. Poison Ivy strangles you with a vine.

**Game over**

**Your score: 6490**

You inhale deeply and keep on playing.

...

You improve drastically as you noticed that even Batman has special features, such as hiding in the shadows and throwing Batarangs. You manage to dodge Harley Quinn's hammer, but Joker succeeds in blowing you up.

**Game over**

**Your score: 35970**

"You _annoying, narcissistic_ _**phony**_!" you scream at your own pixel figure on the screen. You fall silent afterwards.

"_... Should I be worried about myself..?_"

...

Time flies as you continue playing. You giggle, you scream, you sing joyfully, you hit the keyboard with your fists. In spite of all the challenges, you become better and better with every play through. You sweep first Robin's score out of your way, and soon Nightwing meets the same fate. Now, it's only a battle between you and _him_...

You are concentrated on the screen when a hand pats your shoulder.

"Enjoying yourself?" Batman asks. There is a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Not now", you hiss. You are close – you strike Mister Freeze out of your way – you advance for the cherry... you... you...

... finish the whole game!

**Congratulations!**

**Highest score: ****3 333 360**

Player:J0k3r

You scream in exultation!

"You take that, _Batboob_!" you flip the chair and swing a full rotation with your arms held up high.

"Congrats", Batman says.

You hear Nightwing's voice come from afar.

"_Where are the statues of Two-Face and... __**Oh. My. God. **__This is __**wrong **__on __**so**__ many levels..."_

Batman ignores the nauseated sound and addresses you:

"A rich banker was behind your assassination. She has been laundering money for years, and _you _got a trail of that somehow. You've been blackmailing her ever since..."

"You suck, and I don't, _yadayadayaaadaa_", you sing and take another swing. Batman stops your chair and growls at your face:

"... The total amount of dollars you have... _earned..._ is 828 000. You _**will **_tell me where you have hidden them, but we'll discuss that later." He calms down. "As for Deadshot, he had a personal vendetta against you. He wanted you to die in the most painful way imaginable. Said it was something about _Cuban cigars_ and _turkeys_..." You snicker.

"Now that this case is closed, I'm going to move you to a proper hospital."

"What? Already?" you exclaim. "Just admit it, Bats. You are just angry because you lost!"

"No", Batman says. You give him an anticipating look. "I never lost to begin with. You see..."

"I've never played the game."

"Whaaaaat?" you yell and stand up, even though it hurts a lot. "_Whaddya_ mean _you've never played this game_? There's your name on the score list!"

You see a slight, smug smile form to his face.

"I used a cheat code", he says.

_Outrageous_! And you... You spent such a long period trying to overthrow his status. Unforgivable... You feel blood rise to your cheeks. You tremble out of utter anger. Batman is amused by your reaction.

"You... _you_..." you are at a loss of words. You give out a sheer roar and storm at him. However, Batman dodges you, and suddenly, you feel a sharp jab on your upper arm. Everything starts to get goofy after that, your vision blurs, your ears ring an odd song...

Your legs give in, but Batman catches you before you stumble. He keeps talking to you as your eye lids get heavier and heavier.

"I knew that you would get out of anywhere I put you. Therefore... I decided to experiment. Everything you do is motivated by _fun_. I provided you with all hilarious things and come-ons, so that you would stay here for as long as I'm absent. And I'm proud to say you didn't disappoint."

"_Smart-asssssss..._" you hiss and manage a forced smile.

And with that, your mind drifts back into reality, into nothingness, to be constructed again, fresh and anew.

* * *

_**Author's note: **__If you wondered, it is Alfred in the bunny suit. The outfit is inspired by the mascot of Silent Hill-series: Robbie the Rabbit._


End file.
